So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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