I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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