I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
