I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Alive.
So much puke
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
