There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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