I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize