my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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