i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
