I like my sex mixed with concussions.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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