I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
