I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
