two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
