Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
