I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize