Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize