so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
