Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
