any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
