Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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