The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
