How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
