Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
