the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
