insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
