based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
