once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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