you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
