Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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