Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
