You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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