i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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