nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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