I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
