So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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