if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
