Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
