We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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