just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
