where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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