do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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