It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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