STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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