So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
