And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
