Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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