Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize