Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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