i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize