News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
