I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
