No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Floor bacon is actually really good
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
