We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
