i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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