it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
