I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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