Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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