I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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