Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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