As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
